I've Got to Go Through It

 This week will be my 90 day mark since they started my "re-birthing" process or stem cell transplant at the Huntsman Cancer Institute. It is a very important landmark because this Tuesday, I will undertake a barrage of tests to determine whether the procedure was a success and whether I have gone into remission. I will be undertaking a PET scan, blood and urine tests and my third bone marrow biopsy. To say that I am nervous would be an understatement. I am downright scared because I have come to realize in recent weeks how much reason I have to live and my fear has increased simultaneously with my hopes and desires. 

There have been times in the past couple of weeks that this fear has overwhelmed me to the point that sleep has disappeared and I have lain awake for hours some nights. But then for some reason a kind of story that I used to tell my children came to my mind. I knew the message at the time when I shared it with them but the depth of it has come home to roost recently.

I wish that I could include a video in this blog because I can actually hear and see myself as I had fun with them in acting out the story. I have added italics to what I write next so that you get the idea of what I emphasized. It's called "Going on a bear hunt." It is a story from a book of the same name written by Michael Rosen and ilustrated by Helen Oxenbury. Here is some of the story which are in my version of the words:

"We're going on a bear hunt, going to catch a BIG one, I'M not scared, I'M not scared. It's a beautiful day. UH, OH! Grass, looong wavy grass. We can't go over it; we can't go under it; we can't go around it; We gotta go THROUGH it."

I would then make the actions of going through the long, wavy grass, "swish, swish, swish." The children came to know the story well and would go through the grass with me.

We would then continue on our adventure: 

"We're going on a bear hunt, going to catch a BIG one, I'M not scared, I'M not scared. It's a beautiful day. UH, OH! A deep, cold river. We can't go over it; we can't go under it; we can't go around it; We gotta go THROUGH it." This time we would act like we were going through the water. Splash, splash, splash.

There were a number of obstacles and each time I declared that I wasn't scared but that we had to go through the obstacles. At the very end, it went like this:

"We're going on a bear hunt, going to catch a BIG one, I'M not scared, I'M not scared, It's a beautiful day. UH OH! A cave, a deep dark cave. UH OH! One shiny wet nose! Two big furry ears! Two big oogly eyes! IT'S A BEAR!!!!! RUN!! The children and I would then "run" rapidly back through the obstacles: squelch, squelch, splash, splash, swish, swish etc. until finally we arrived back at home, closed the gate, closed the door and breathed a sigh of relief that we were safe.

It was so much fun enacting out this story with all the facial expressions, hand gestures and body movements to illustrate what was happening. The message may have been fun but it was also very profound. When it comes to this cancer and all that it has brought with it, I can't go over it, I can't go under it, I can't go around it, I have to go THROUGH it. I don't have any appropriate hand signals or gestures to illustrate this but I do have to walk through the fear. And what about the end of the story? 

The equivalent of my coming face to face with a bear is being told that my cancer has not been vanquished and that my prognosis is not good. If this is the case, I won't be able to run away but I will still have to go through many obstacles. Even if I go into remission, I am aware that it is not a cure as this is not a curable cancer. At the very minimum I will be put onto a maintenance regime of chemotherapy drugs for the rest of my life. It is not how I pictured my later years and the fear of all that means is real but I am clear that my choice is to go through it. 

I can only dream that I will become much stronger as a person as I tackle each obstacle, as I endure each treatment. I can look positively that as I go through one obstacle, it will give me the strength and the confidence that I can handle the next. I can learn to believe and trust in my Heavenly Father as He walks alongside me on my "bear hunt", that He knows how best to develop my strengths and overcome my weaknesses. Alan brought to my mind a special scripture that goes puts these thoughts into perspective:

Psalms 23:

    "1. The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want

    2. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still             waters.

    3. He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his                 name's sake.

    4. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no             evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

I may fear pain, the thought of leaving my family and friends early and the fear of not completing all that I was sent here to do but I do not fear evil. I was recently reminded that I have led a charmed life, not because I did not experience hard things but because the hard things have been matched by incredible spiritual experiences. 

It is the wedding anniversary of my great, great grandparents, Willem Van Eck and Aleida Lobbers, married on this day in 1849. I am reminded that I am surrounded by my ancestors and I have felt their presence on many occasions. Tomorrow it is my wedding anniversary, a wonderful occasion to remind me that I have a wonderful husband and family and friends who uplift me so often. 

The greatest blessing that I have enjoyed is the feeling of my Savior close by me my whole adult life. He is not just someone people write about. He is real to me. I have heard Him whisper in my heart and ears on more occasions than I can say. His love has sustained me through everything and I know that as I go through this next phase, that He will remain with me to comfort and lead me. 

Jesus Christ, via LDS Media library 

PS I have engaged in a process for some time to write as many of those life experiences as I can into a book for my children and grandchildren at the very least. Do you think that others might want to read it too? 

Motivation to do the hard things in life: Lessons from Sniffy the Rat

image from animalgals.wordpress.com

To provide some context to this particular blog, I am the kind of person who would scream when I would see a mouse run across the room. During a therapy session I was having with a couple, I spotted this mouse run across the back of their chairs at this inopportune moment when they were in the middle of sharing some intense personal emotions. My own emotions at seeing the mouse got the better of me and within seconds, both me and the woman client were standing on our chairs screaming to the amusement of the husband in this piece. I don't want to enter into any discussion about the possible sexism this implies. It was what it was.

I counter this piece with an experience I had with one of my children's pets. When her Dad brought home a pet rat for my daughter's birthday some time ago, she was delighted and I was somewhat shell shocked. Hmmm a pet rat in the house? For the sake of my daughter, Sniffy became very much part of the family including chewing on our net curtains that stupidly floated into the cage with the wind, or finding holes in the girls' clothing because they had let him and his voracious teeth loose in their drawers. My daughters and son would walk around the house with him on their shoulders or arms often. One sad day, Sniffy became very ill and the veterinarian told us there was only one hope that he would survive. The treatment would entail someone (read here, me) injecting Sniffy twice a day with this medication in his tiny neck.

As a family we all looked after Sniffy at that time and I dutifully held him gently and injected him with the required medication twice a day. Unfortunately, despite 24 hr care Sniffy didn't make it. Looking back on this scenario some years later, I learned something about myself, something about which I have needed reminding. I ask myself, "How on earth did I do that?" This was not a task of my choice, it was a task that should have seen my fears incapacitating me or at the very least have me run!

My answer not only speaks to me personally but I believe can also be applied in our working lives. I was able to do it because of how much I cared for my daughter, wanting to give her the maximum support possible. My emotional attachment to my daughter outweighed my desire to run from the task. There have been many occasions like this one in my life that have reinforced this concept. Love overcomes fear, emotional attachment outweighs inertia.

How can this apply in an organizational or business setting? Although a relationship between a parent and their child is not something that we usually experience in the workplace, if we were able to get emotionally connected not only to our work itself but also to our peers, then we would be able to go above and beyond ourselves and our pre-set limitations. It would confirm previous studies that show that connections between peers or colleagues is the most important factor to increase motivation (see my previous blog). 

A final anecdote to illustrate this point: A family member works within the IT industry. In my most objective judgement possible (which you may question at will), this person is simply brilliant at software development. He was explaining that he is doing an extraordinary number of hours work at the moment (75 hours he told me for last week) because the pressure is really on to get a particular piece of work done. I asked him why he allowed himself to be worked so hard by the firm that has employed him. His answer? This contract was important and he did not want to let his colleagues down. He has developed an emotional attachment and sense of responsibility to the people with whom he works and therefore, by extension, to how much he is willing to do. While we might want to encourage some thought about balance between work and personal life and not expecting people to revolve their lives around their work in this instance, understanding his motivation is nonetheless useful.

By the way, as a postscript, I would still scream if I saw a mouse running across the floor!