Re-thinking my mission

It is the middle of the night and sleep is evading me as it has done all week. One of my chemotherapy drugs is called dexamethasone which is a powerful steroid that has me jangled every day and affects my sleep. It is probably the most difficult of the three chemotherapy drugs that are my treatment at this point.

It is a good time to write.

Many times in my life I have heard stories of how a life changing event has changed someone's priorities. I hear in my head, "No-one died saying they wish they had spent more time at work." So I ask myself this question often, "Have my priorities changed because of the cancer?"


Maybe this is beginning to change but from the beginning of the diagnosis four months ago my focus has been almost solely on the practical aspects of treatment, putting one foot in front of the other as I have gone to each of the appointments, undergone regular tests, taken my medication and have tried to physically get myself back onto my feet. My other focus has been thoughts of my children and grandchildren as I have questioned my mortality and my potentially limited time.

It has been difficult to be philosophical about life and my purpose in it with all these competing interests. Covid19 and the stay at home policy has begun to change that perspective as I have had more time to contemplate life and the universe. I have recently tried not to get swept up in the general anger that is social media these days as people range themselves around various causes related to this pandemic and post about their general disgust at politicians, at protesters, at the population in general and at life as it is currently.  The anger I see is sometimes all consuming as people post one article after the other that confirms the way they are thinking. There is no middle ground, no rational thought that says that both sides might actually be right, no discussion on finding solutions that take care of all needs.


In the midst of all this angst, what have I come to understand is really important to me? In the end, Covid19 is fleeting although its impact has been profound in the short term. What is really important to me is my faith and my connection with God. I have begun again to ask, "What does my Heavenly Father want from me? What is my purpose here and what do I need to do to fulfill that purpose?" With my cancer diagnosis it was easy to forget that the Lord has this all in hand, that my illness does not change the fact that I am His daughter, that He has always had a plan for my life and this time in my life is no different.

This reminder of what I have always known brings with it some much needed changes in my behavior and there are more to come. My days may be full of treatments and the physical demands of getting my health back but they have to make way for more scripture study, more connection with my Savior through prayer, more contemplation on my mission in this life and more connection with the people around me. I confess that I have never felt more challenged. Physical illness has a way of dampening the spirit and that very connection I need. I have to work harder at it than I have ever done before and I am not there yet. 

How will I know when I am on track again? When I am feeling the warmth of the spirit that is familiar to me and I am hearing His voice speak to me in those quiet whispers. When I am having spiritual experiences to add to those I have already enjoyed throughout my adult life. That is something worth living for and fighting for, no matter the ultimate outcome.