Timing is Everything

Come with me on this voyage through Cancer. To do that there are some perspectives that I need to explain. As most of you know, I am a religious person. I am a member of of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, baptized at the age of 20 as a student in Dunedin, New Zealand. Everything I have done since then has been seen through that lens.

When my Mum got a brain tumor in her late 50s she expressed amazement that I was the only calm one in the family as I visited her in hospital each day. I told her that the spirit whispered to me that she was going to be just fine. She is 89yrs old today. By contrast, as I hugged my Dad goodbye after his 80th birthday party, the spirit told me forcefully that I would never see my Dad alive on this earth again. I cried for ages on that journey back to Whangarei with my children. He died the following year while on holiday in the Netherlands before I could see him. Sometimes the spirit tells me hard things but it has always told me the truth. It is my greatest joy to have that same spirit accompany me on what lies ahead for me as I battle this illness.


There is this modern scripture that says, "Thou shalt thank the Lord Thy God in all Things." (Doctrine and Covenants, 59:7). Can I thank the Lord for my cancer? I sure can but perhaps I need to chop that gratitude down into smaller bite size pieces.

It would have been easy to think, "all the tumors on my back I now have mean I can't walk very far" but if I approach it with a feeling of gratitude then I can definitely say that my bad back saved my life. It is a common presentation for this cancer but it could have been much further down the track if I hadn't had our wonderful new doctor dig harder to find out the real problem. For that I am grateful.

The last half of 2019, my business as a nonprofit consultant was finally taking off. I worked on lucrative and ongoing contracts that took me as far as Washington DC and all over Utah. I was looking forward to growing that business even further in 2020 which had promised to be a bumper year. It would be very easy to become bitter that just as I am starting to financially pick up that I am crippled by this cancer. But I spot miracles in this. Because of those lucrative contracts toward the end of the year, Alan and I have reserves in the bank to carry us financially right through these hardest initial months without having to worry about money. It really does feel as if the Lord has timed this perfectly and we are under His care.

On that same note, many of you, especially Americans, understand that the cost of health care in this country is outrageous. (One of my pet peeves by the way.). I have one injection per week and I take mega numbers of medication each day. I have had every scan, test, stay in the hospital and consultation under the sun that I have never experienced before and they all cost the earth. To get some perspective, one injection cost almost $2,000.

Initially, this did cause some panic because we had started to structure our health insurance differently for the beginning of 2020 because of my anticipated earnings. Given my actual diagnosis not arriving until just after Christmas I was initially in trouble as the new health insurer did not recognize a pre-existing condition and we found ourselves facing being bankrupted by the medical costs. Our wonderful doctor became the cavalry referring us to a wizard of a health insurance agent. 24 hours later, he had found us an insurance plan starting 1 January 2020 that had a maximum out of pocket expense for me of $1,600 a year. Gratitude overflowing. I have no fears about chasing the best medical treatment there is out there because I used that $1,600 on the first day of treatment in the New Year and I am now living free. Now that is what I call being cared for by a loving Heavenly Father! We are more than grateful.

The greatest blessings of this journey have been in the connections. It was super hard telling my kids in New Zealand the news over Skype calls but I have a strength from them that I can't even begin to fathom. I cried a lot with Joshua, Tineke and Rebekah but I also had the blessing of Aaron, my eldest, sitting right next to me as I struggled with each video call. I had the blessing of having Aaron attend every single doctor's visit, to stay one of the nights with me in the hospital to give Alan a break, to be there when the formal diagnosis was made and each appointment until he left for New Zealand again.  Part of me felt guilty about ruining his Christmas visit but then I changed my perspective and I saw that our relationship deepened even further because he was here during such a crucial time in my life.

My regular Skype calls to my children and grandchildren have become even more meaningful to me and I feel a deepening connection with each of them. We are planning to have them each come out and see me in Utah in due time, hopefully after treatment is more or less done so that I can enjoy their company in person but for right now I am grateful for technology and the ability to see them as I share with them what is happening.

I was very worried about how I was going to tell my mother. How was I going to tell her that I not only have cancer but that I can't travel and am not sure if I ever will be able to travel that distance again? To add to the complication, she is a little deaf and talking to her on the phone can be a struggle. So I phoned my eldest sister, Tineke for her advice. That turned out to be a wonderful and strengthening experience for me. When you live on the other side of the world, some connections can get lost easily. That phone call to my sister not only re-connected me deeply with my sister but with her daughters, Emily and Lisa. I have felt their support and love in very real ways and it has been a real treasure to me.

My sister was able to intervene for me and soften the way with my mother. It still isn't very easy and this particular aspect I need to work harder to find the golden nugget but it will be there somewhere.

The timing of this cancer has been perfect. The doctor who is treating me just came back from an extended time overseas and so had not yet filled his caseload with patients. I was literally able to become the patient of one of the top experts in this cancer in the country on the same day as my doctor referred me. Together with Doctor Atanackovic, who is someone I trust implicitly in my care, comes this incredible team of medical staff, both inpatient and outpatient.

Every single medical person that I have met on this journey at the Huntsman hospital has been nothing but caring, loving and expert in what they do. Yes, even Dr Halawi who told me to get out of my bed and move around more. He was simply lovely. I have to mention Dr Abraham from the kidney team who came and stroked my face ever so gently as she told me that with my chemo treatment that my kidneys would recover. She was right. Then there was Dr. Seth Youkstetter who went over and above what can be expected to find me solutions every day he visited me during my stay and to make me feel like the most important person who ever existed. There were the miracle workers like Dr Brogan, the Irish surgeon, who I affectionately refer to as the man who pumped what I colloquially call a piece of concrete into a broken vertebrae so that I can now roll over in bed, get myself to the bathroom and walk somewhat without pain! Now that was a miracle!

There were so many faces and names of people who have cared for me. We have developed a new friend, Jeremie Gaillard who was my physiotherapist while in the hospital. Both Alan and I felt a special connection with him as we shared common interests and stories as he treated my physiotherapy needs. How can I not be grateful for both old and new connections renewed?

I am not alone in this journey. Not physically, not spiritually. I have a wonderful husband who has proven over and over again his total devotion to my care and well-being. I have the spirit showing me these miracles all around me that has deepened my faith and helped me understand that this is a spiritual journey that I am on. Does the spirit whisper to me how this will all end? So far, I believe that I am on a marathon and it is not going to be easy. The worst is yet to come in the treatments but when I look at all the miracles, how can I fear?