I had a bit of a break through this week and it has added to the way I have been thinking lately. I have probably repeated this often but when I was first diagnosed with cancer I was in a state of shock. In the early stages, while I was trying to adjust to all that this meant, I literally handed my life over into the hands of the doctors. Go here, take this medicine, lie down in this machine, give me your blood, measure your urine. Fortunately for me they were experts who I have come to trust in my care. However, over time, I have come to realize that this approach has taken a toll on other aspects of my life. In recent weeks I have had opportunities to reflect on concepts that have brought me new life, and have opened up my mind.
Although brewing for some weeks now, my crystallizing "aha" moment came on Monday this past week in our monthly catch up visit with our Physicians' Assistant, (PA), Jan at the Huntsman hospital. We talked about how I was reacting to the maintenance treatments I am taking. One particular drug has been giving me some very not-fun side effects. As we discussed it, she asked if I would like to reduce the dosage. My initial reaction was for her to decide as the expert but then it hit me, this was MY treatment and MY life and I had the ability to choose. I chose to reduce the dosage but more importantly, I am finally beginning to see myself as an equal partner in this whole healing process. I have options and decisions that I can make for myself.
This fitted in well with my recent thinking (I get to do a lot of that in my days of isolation) about choice and options. 33 years ago I started a career as a therapist. Although I have changed what I do now, I still keep my hand in there by taking some therapy clients. As I have worked with married couples having strife in their relationships, I could see that one of the most common problems faced was a question of control. Each spouse would take a position on a subject, digging themselves into their trench and would take pot shots at the other in the hope of changing the other's way of thinking.
I read this incredible book that helped me in working with these couples called, "Getting to Yes", the iconic book by Fisher and Ury designed to teach business negotiation skills that gave me a method to work with these couples. While all of it is profound, the concept that truly changed my life and the lives of many of these couples was the ability to generate options, lots of options when trying to find a solution to a particular problem. The rules were that initially nothing was off the table, no matter how crazy or wild the option. Boy, did I hear some weird options in those sessions. However, I noticed that in the very act of generating options, couples no longer felt trapped and they did not have to fight over their particular solution because there were different ways of thinking about their situation and if one option didn't work there were other possible directions available. On the other hand, those with very limited options seemed to experience the greatest amount of stress.
What I have come to realize is that I have bought in too much to a society that tries to limit how and what we think. We do it to ourselves. Have you noticed that social media (and the media in general) tends to be binary in its thinking? I am witnessing what I call a "binary" society happening around me and I have noticed that I am not generating solutions as much as I used to. On social media (and regular media for that matter) I am bombarded with constant arguments as people take to different sides of a political or moral discussion. Arguing is about persuasion. It is not about generating solutions. It is scary to me to witness people being shamed for thinking differently. For me, shaming is never Okay, even when I disagree with the other person's viewpoint. When we try to suppress various viewpoints then we are in danger of limiting our thinking capacity. I am not sure if we understand that often in comparing all the various options, including the craziest ways of thinking, that we are better able to crystallize what are reasonable and rational thoughts. When we get caught in an echo chamber of thinking then I believe we are losing our ability to develop new answers.
Forgive me for being a little philosophical here and I hope that I don't lose you. It goes with the territory of having cancer. Let me explain a little more about my thinking and why it is keeping me awake at nights. I wish I could find the article I read at the time but I remember hearing about an interesting phenomenon after the Berlin Wall came down. After the initial euphoria of reuniting Germany and the freedoms that came, there arose a particular problem. For decades under Soviet Communist rule, East Berliners had their options limited. As an example, if they needed a new coat, the government allowed one or two options to choose from. When the reunification happened, the East Berliners had difficulty with the huge array of clothing from which to choose. Their minds had been conditioned to accept the limited choices and they became bewildered by the many stores. This stunted not just their shopping ability but their ability to creatively manage their lives. They had placed their lives so much in the hands of their government.
Just like the couples I worked with who saw their options as limited and the East Berliners who were given limited options, I believe that we are currently limiting our lives and our ability to be creative and nearly all of our media is driving us in this limited direction. As I look to a lifetime ahead with cancer, I don't want to be limited in how I think. I don't want to be defined by this disease. I am ready to step into creativity in my own life and to add to the creativity of my wider community.
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