This week will be my 90 day mark since they started my "re-birthing" process or stem cell transplant at the Huntsman Cancer Institute. It is a very important landmark because this Tuesday, I will undertake a barrage of tests to determine whether the procedure was a success and whether I have gone into remission. I will be undertaking a PET scan, blood and urine tests and my third bone marrow biopsy. To say that I am nervous would be an understatement. I am downright scared because I have come to realize in recent weeks how much reason I have to live and my fear has increased simultaneously with my hopes and desires.
There have been times in the past couple of weeks that this fear has overwhelmed me to the point that sleep has disappeared and I have lain awake for hours some nights. But then for some reason a kind of story that I used to tell my children came to my mind. I knew the message at the time when I shared it with them but the depth of it has come home to roost recently.
I wish that I could include a video in this blog because I can actually hear and see myself as I had fun with them in acting out the story. I have added italics to what I write next so that you get the idea of what I emphasized. It's called "Going on a bear hunt." It is a story from a book of the same name written by Michael Rosen and ilustrated by Helen Oxenbury. Here is some of the story which are in my version of the words:
"We're going on a bear hunt, going to catch a BIG one, I'M not scared, I'M not scared. It's a beautiful day. UH, OH! Grass, looong wavy grass. We can't go over it; we can't go under it; we can't go around it; We gotta go THROUGH it."
I would then make the actions of going through the long, wavy grass, "swish, swish, swish." The children came to know the story well and would go through the grass with me.
We would then continue on our adventure:
"We're going on a bear hunt, going to catch a BIG one, I'M not scared, I'M not scared. It's a beautiful day. UH, OH! A deep, cold river. We can't go over it; we can't go under it; we can't go around it; We gotta go THROUGH it." This time we would act like we were going through the water. Splash, splash, splash.
There were a number of obstacles and each time I declared that I wasn't scared but that we had to go through the obstacles. At the very end, it went like this:
"We're going on a bear hunt, going to catch a BIG one, I'M not scared, I'M not scared, It's a beautiful day. UH OH! A cave, a deep dark cave. UH OH! One shiny wet nose! Two big furry ears! Two big oogly eyes! IT'S A BEAR!!!!! RUN!! The children and I would then "run" rapidly back through the obstacles: squelch, squelch, splash, splash, swish, swish etc. until finally we arrived back at home, closed the gate, closed the door and breathed a sigh of relief that we were safe.
It was so much fun enacting out this story with all the facial expressions, hand gestures and body movements to illustrate what was happening. The message may have been fun but it was also very profound. When it comes to this cancer and all that it has brought with it, I can't go over it, I can't go under it, I can't go around it, I have to go THROUGH it. I don't have any appropriate hand signals or gestures to illustrate this but I do have to walk through the fear. And what about the end of the story?
The equivalent of my coming face to face with a bear is being told that my cancer has not been vanquished and that my prognosis is not good. If this is the case, I won't be able to run away but I will still have to go through many obstacles. Even if I go into remission, I am aware that it is not a cure as this is not a curable cancer. At the very minimum I will be put onto a maintenance regime of chemotherapy drugs for the rest of my life. It is not how I pictured my later years and the fear of all that means is real but I am clear that my choice is to go through it.
I can only dream that I will become much stronger as a person as I tackle each obstacle, as I endure each treatment. I can look positively that as I go through one obstacle, it will give me the strength and the confidence that I can handle the next. I can learn to believe and trust in my Heavenly Father as He walks alongside me on my "bear hunt", that He knows how best to develop my strengths and overcome my weaknesses. Alan brought to my mind a special scripture that goes puts these thoughts into perspective:
Psalms 23:
"1. The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want
2. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.
3. He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
4. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
I may fear pain, the thought of leaving my family and friends early and the fear of not completing all that I was sent here to do but I do not fear evil. I was recently reminded that I have led a charmed life, not because I did not experience hard things but because the hard things have been matched by incredible spiritual experiences.
It is the wedding anniversary of my great, great grandparents, Willem Van Eck and Aleida Lobbers, married on this day in 1849. I am reminded that I am surrounded by my ancestors and I have felt their presence on many occasions. Tomorrow it is my wedding anniversary, a wonderful occasion to remind me that I have a wonderful husband and family and friends who uplift me so often.
The greatest blessing that I have enjoyed is the feeling of my Savior close by me my whole adult life. He is not just someone people write about. He is real to me. I have heard Him whisper in my heart and ears on more occasions than I can say. His love has sustained me through everything and I know that as I go through this next phase, that He will remain with me to comfort and lead me.
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| Jesus Christ, via LDS Media library |
PS I have engaged in a process for some time to write as many of those life experiences as I can into a book for my children and grandchildren at the very least. Do you think that others might want to read it too?
