Becoming a more whole, emotional me

It is one of those nights again when sleep has come and gone fleetingly as the steroids have done their thing. I discovered this week from a zoom call with fellow sufferers of this cancer from all over the United States that our chemotherapy treatments/dosages are pretty unique to each of us and there is no point in comparing. I discovered at the same time that I am taking a rather high dose of these steroids so I don't feel so bad about being a little crazy with it.

In the world's eyes I am not young anymore. I should be preparing for retirement in a few years. My Dad had already retired by the time he got to my age but in my mind I am still young. I think I feel this way because I am still in learning mode about myself and my world around me. My learning is not just about understanding either: it is about figuring out what I need and want to change about myself to improve.

In the past few months I have come to a profound realization about myself that has me thinking about a radical remodel. I look back over the past whenever I have gone through hard things and I have tended to react in the same way. Head down, bum up and forward! Let me explain by going back a little bit.

I believe that suppressing my emotions is something I have probably done most of my life. It never felt really safe to fully express what I felt. This became even more apparent when I became a single parent many years ago with four young children to look after, their needs totally consuming my thoughts and actions. I rationalized that I didn't have time for emotions (even if sometimes they leaked out) but I had to put them aside for a while so that I could focus on the tasks before me. In that rationalization I persuaded myself that my children needed to be able to count on me to be there for them and that becoming a crumbling, emotional mess was just not going to cut it. If I was really honest with myself, this was as much me avoiding the pain that I was going through as it was for the sake of the children. It was a good excuse to hide away and just deal with the practical details in front of me.


As I deal with this cancer diagnosis I have seen myself more clearly as I can't quite use the same reasoning to justify my submerging my emotions and yet here  I am doing it again. The past few months have been about switching into practical mode: going to my appointments, asking questions about my treatments, preparing for future treatments in my head. So practical and so much in my head that I have not even begun to let my emotions enter this very much. Yes, there was the initial fear and panic about the possibility of dying soon but once I entered that treatment realm I have rationalized all over again that there is no time for emotions that will only get in the way.

Big mistake! The hilarious and simultaneously sad thing is that I come into this as a former therapist, a therapist who taught clients about connecting with their emotions; a therapist who said that there are no bad emotions, only bad ways of expressing them. Fortunately for me, I have not been so successful at burying my emotions this time around and I am leaking like a sieve. Recently, I had a pretty bad day when I was bombarded with feelings about being ill for the rest of my life, however long that might be. I suddenly felt super tired of the fight and I began to feel like I didn't want to do this anymore. It might be easy to just give up and let nature take its course. Fighting to survive and even thrive has always been my signature but here was I ready to give up.

At first I felt super guilty about my feelings and then it suddenly dawned on me. My emotions were valid, real and very normal under the circumstances. Staying permanently in those feelings may not be that healthy but hey, I was entitled to feel a range of emotions as I work through this new challenge. The feelings were frightening as I allowed myself to go there and yet I also felt very peaceful and for the first time in my life I am not afraid of dying.
I went a step further. I contacted each of my children to share with them that I was going to have days of despair and would feel like giving up and that was OK. I asked for their support in those times, especially to understand that this was perfectly normal to have days like that. My message to myself and my family is that allowing myself to feel the full range of emotions doesn't mean actually giving up the fight to live. It is acknowledging that this is hard and that I can't keep up the facade of strength all the time. 

What connecting with my emotions means is that I can more fully be myself, to accept who I am in all my glory. As I have said so many times to my previous therapy clients, when you suppress the bad emotions there is a tendency to suppress all other emotions at the same time, including sheer joy and love and self-acceptance. Hiding from my emotions has stunted many opportunities to deeply feel the positive as well as the negative. I am learning to change this but it isn't easy to let go of old habits and patterns. I feel like a young child, starting all over again. Do I even know how to let those emotions just flow? What will happen to the relationships around me as I allow myself to go there? Will I be able to handle the more painful moments? I don't have all the answers to these vital questions. I just know that I have to try so that I leave this world a more whole and real person.